


Nihilism

by spacedaydreamer



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, description of death/violence, true end 999 junpei but pre ztd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:59:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9806336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacedaydreamer/pseuds/spacedaydreamer
Summary: Work was always bad, but not usually this bad. It was situations like this in the first place that had driven him to alcohol, and by now he was far too broken to try to stop.





	

By the time Junpei made it back to his apartment, he was already a mess. To say the day’s work had gone poorly was a massive understatement- he’d started off the day simple enough, but by the time night had rolled around, he’d seen one co-worker pushed off a roof, another take a bullet in the center of his head, and a third decided to jump after them, unable to take the stress of their work anymore. It wasn’t unusual for people to die, considering the line of work, but three in one day? It had shaken Junpei far more than he wanted to admit.

His steps were uneven, but he forced himself to go to the kitchen- more than anything, he needed alcohol. Being sober meant that he was lucid enough to understand what had happened, and acknowledge that his life was a train wreck. He didn’t want to be awake. If it wasn’t for Akane, he probably would have jumped too…

No, now wasn’t the time for that. Junpei _had_ a reason to live, and it was Akane. Once he found her, then things would be normal again. Once he found her, then he could leave everything behind. He could leave the detective job, leave behind the death, the blood, the scent that clung to his body with every waking minute, no matter how hard he tried to scrub it off- he could leave it all behind.

No, he was bullshitting himself, and he knew it.

Even if he found her, he would never be clean again. He could never be ‘Jumpy’ again, not the way that Akane remembered him. He couldn’t be who she wanted him to be anymore. He knew that, he knew that so much that it hurt, and so he drank. He sat the floor beside the fridge, not even bothering to make it to his bathroom like he usually did. Who cared if the blood stained his clothes, or matted his hair? He wore black for that exact reason anyways.

He finished off the first beer, and let the bottle roll across the floor. It didn’t get too far, clinking against the glass of nearby bottles that’d shared the same fate.

“I’m in a damn sorry state, aren’t I…”

He was pathetic. A pathetic, disgusting excuse for a human being. Really, could he even be classified as human anymore? The only reason he was alive was for Akane Kurashiki, and even then it was just the thinnest of threads that kept him grounded enough to prevent him from driving one of his kitchen knives into his heart. He’d decided a long time ago that if he was _going_ to kill himself, he’d rather it be from a knife. Junpei had died countless times by now, and after some time he’d remembered them all. The deaths from building Q were the nicest, he’d decided. Sure, he hated Hongou with all of his being, but at least a knife was a kind way to go. Perhaps not always the fastest, but it was gentle, and it was peaceful.

He’d been pushed himself, once, and he’d decided that falling from a building was a terrible way to kill yourself. You have too much time to think before you hit the ground, and all you can do is regret. He didn’t want that. Poison was off the table as well- he’d had his fair share of them, and all were excruciating. Maybe his enemies just wanted him to suffer, but he doubted there was any type of painless poison to die by. Plus, if he was unlucky, then someone would hear his screams and call an ambulance. The _last_ thing he would want was to be saved.

Of the conventional methods left, all there really was available was hanging himself, or a gun. He supposed suffocation wasn’t horrible, but he’d much rather something fast, and there were too many things that could go wrong. Similarily, guns were far too noisy, and far too messy. A bullet to the head was quick and painless, he’d determined, but his landlord would curse his eternal soul if he got that much blood on the walls. Sure, the apartment was a shithole, but it was still _liveable_. Junpei had to have a tiny bit of respect for his ‘home’.

Now, that wasn’t to say Junpei hadn’t died in other ways as well- it was just that none of them were really effective for suicide. Being pushed in front of a train or other vehicle was decently effective, but that just caused an annoyance for everyone who got delayed, and there was always a chance of kids being around and seeing his bloody corpse. Incineration was painful and impractical- unless he found his way back to Building Q, he doubted he’d get to enjoy that feeling of failing Sudoku again. Starvation would impede his ability to work, and torture required him to be captured first, so they were also off the table. In the end, a knife was the best way to kill himself.

He kept them out of sight in his kitchen, but he was always painfully aware of where they were. His mind had wandered again, drifting to vague memories from the timeline where he’d been stabbed then pushed into the water beside the submarine- shit, he needed another drink. He was still too sober if he was able to think about things like that.

And so, he drank. Somewhere along the way, he lost count of how many bottles he’d opened. At the very least, it was more than was safe- who knew? If he was lucky, he might get alcohol poisoning and die. But no, he couldn’t die. He needed to find Akane.

Akane…

It was the same every time he drank, night after night. Get completely wasted, think about her, and then climb into the bathtub with the shower running and cry himself to sleep. He knew he was pathetic, and he hated himself all the more for it. It truly was amazing how in less than a year, Junpei Tenmyouji had changed from a relatively idealistic man with decently realistic goals, to a nihilist who only cared about one thing. Finding Akane Kurashiki.

He was certain if he met any of the other nonary game participants, they’d be appalled by what he’d become. Hell, he’d met with Seven for a mission once, and Seven had hardly recognized him at first. He’d tried to convince Junpei to talk, or at least meet once outside of work, but Junpei had refused. There was nothing to talk about. Seven couldn’t help him find Akane, so the second their working relationship was over, so was everything else. Junpei had discovered that was good at dropping off the map; maybe even as good as Akane was. After all, nobody had been able to find him yet…

“Kanny… Kanny, I promise… I promise I’ll find you…”

He was crying, a silent sob that shook his body and blurred his vision with tears. Everything… everything was too much for him. Life had been simple until the nonary game, but now he was here at twenty-two, with a million memories of death that nobody his age should have pressing on their mind. Akane was his anchor, the reason he kept going, and she was his curse. She gave him a reason to live, and she’d stolen all his will to live. His angel and his demon, he’d kill for her, and be killed for her. He knew he was a broken man, probably far beyond fixing, and it was all thanks to Akane. Still, he also knew that she could fix him. She could make him whole again, if they were together… it was an endless paradox, one that Junpei let consume him every night.

By the time Junpei finally passed out, he had no more tears to shed. He hadn’t even managed to drag himself to the shower, instead falling asleep propped up against the fridge, which was still half open and shedding a soft yellow light. Maybe in his dreams, he could at least have a fleeting chance at happiness? No, that was unlikely. Dreams were just more of the same from when he was awake, but worse. The memories that were held back while waking attacked full force, nightmares of his death on endless loop, a screening of his own torture that would never end.

In the end, there was no real ‘good’ place for Junpei. From the depths of his subconscious, he wondered if maybe the world had never intended for him to be happy at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I write a lot of safe end!Junpei stuff, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about true end Junpei as well. Someone please give him love and support, he really needs it.


End file.
